birds in a barrel's mission is to release creative nonfiction into the wild.

40 Days & 40 Writes is its first project.

A Snip in Time

All I have to do is see the word “fight,” and I almost immediately start fighting with my first husband—the dead one. Fighting with him now is very much like fighting with him when he was alive because he always refused to engage. He always remained superiorly and smugly aloof. I was like a small person being held at arm’s length by someone much larger while I tried to land a blow. The vicious circle of this fight continues today, and I want it to go away. Intellectually, I know it’s pointless, and it’s exhausting.

I tried going to a healing ceremony after he died to see if I could become forgiving. It helped for a while. Maybe because I’ve have a lot of stresses in my life now, the fight has slipped in through a crack. It’s another unwelcome visitor.

Last week on Facebook, I saw this video of a woman, who first appears in a collar in a church. She’s a priest. The next shot she’s in a tank top displaying a colorful array of tattoos. She’s a magnificent biker babe. Her video is about forgiveness, and I’m guessing she’s knows what she’s talking about. Forgiveness is not a pansy or weak thing to do, she says. It’s badass. By forgiving someone, you break the chains that link the person to you and gives that person power over you. So take chain clippers and snip it in two, she advises.

So that’s what I’ve been trying to do every time the fight sneaks back into my consciousness. I metaphorically take the clippers and snip (exaggerated clipping motion is optional). And, I also remind myself that I’ve won the fight by default because he left the playing field. Snip, again.

The Plan

Accepting Imperfection