birds in a barrel's mission is to release creative nonfiction into the wild.

40 Days & 40 Writes is its first project.

Enough

I don’t recognize the value of my own time and attention. I want people to like me and I am not able or willing to give them a chance to do it on their own. It is like a giant circle that loops around or like the movie Ground Hog day when the alarm goes off at the same time every morning and they know what the day is going to be like. And there is definitely something of the rat maze in me because I have trained those closest to me to expect me to do for them what they can do for themselves….I have put the cheese down so I can’t get too mad when they find It and eat it!! 

I am wondering if breathing and going slower are my antidote. Bringing that cool expansive moist air into my lungs allowing it to pop into my blood stream. I imagine the blood cell riding up past the baroreceptors in my heart and lungs and pushing the O2 button. and ride the blood cell to trigger those receptors in my heart and lungs.

My body says whew!!!!! 

The autonomic reaction of the body to lower oxygen is anxiety. That anxiety says there isn’t enough! Enough! Anxiety uses the word enough like it is a four letter word. 

Anxiety says that there is not enough time, money humor, love joy or shoes. Enough is an absolute value word- it is an abstract numerical value. 

The anxiety didn’t see the the particular hue of peach streaked across the blue sky as it lowered the sun into the buildings. The breath opens my heart and my chest and my eyes. 

I would say that changing anything takes more than just wanting to do it. I think it takes practice and a plan and help from a power greater than me. And the Higher Power that I believe in only works through others in some mysterious way that I don’t have to understand. 

Today- deep breath- right now. So today this question may have been the power greater than me is this question.

Thank you!

Poop Bucket

Morning Papers